Tomorrow is 1^st September and I am so proud of how far I have grown this past week. I am grateful for the month of August, it was indeed a good month.

My day began on a very good note. I listened to a message titled “The Devil Made Me Do It”. The title reminds me of The Conjuring 3 (If I haven’t told you yet, I am a big fan of horror movies). The message was by one of my favorites, Pastor Charles Metcalf of Transformation Church. You can watch the message here.

I had an entirely different post planned but sometime during my day, something dawned on me, and I knew I had to share this message with you all. 

I’m not a strong believer in mnemonics outside a school context but this one resonated strongly with me. It made perfect sense and taught me a very big lesson.

The title was catchy; don’t you think?  or NOT?

I was so interested in finding out what the message was about and even more elated after listening to it because for a long time, I had been telling myself that I am not a victim. I am responsible for the outcomes in my life.

The message cemented my conviction on that opinion.

The Devil made me do it is a common phrase amongst offenders. It is usually in this form.

Examples

Peter: Why did you steal that apple?

Paul:  The devil made me do it

OR

Question: Why did you do that?

Response: The devil made me do it

The questions are numerous but the response is usually the same. We tend to always need someone we can pin our bad behavior on. I hate the response a lot because it is usually a means of just shoving the blame on other people. The all annoying devil in this case.

The point I am driving at is even more annoying. It comes together in a concept known as Deferred Responsibility. This is the act of placing ownership of one’s attitude, circumstance, or life on another person or party.

Not to worry, I am a chief offender when it comes to this phenomenon. I always try to blame my inadequacies on everything but myself. When I say myself, I do not mean my very existence, I mean certain habits, weaknesses, and feelings.

The twist to this post plot, however, is that I present to you parts of yourself you can blame proactively rather than blame the Devil.

I bring to you

D. E. V. I. L.

D – Distractions

For a long time, I had beat myself up for having reduced productivity and not having enough time. One of my biggest distractions is watching movies. It has sapped away useful time, I realized. I’m sure I blamed life for giving me only 24 hours that I can’t use to really do much. In truth, my distraction is to blame. Note, I did not say Distractions, I said My Distraction. 

E – Emotions

I like to pay too much attention to how I am feeling. I am not one to tell you to ignore your emotions. Usually, I would just say instead that you should not let it become your driver. Generally, I do not feel like following through with hard tasks. In other words, consistency is literally one of the hardest things to me. On my journey of writing these posts the past few days. I have struggled because there are times when I do not feel like doing the needful but I tell my feelings that as real as they are, there’s more where that is coming from and get to work.

V – Vulnerability

This one comes to play when it comes to change or taking risks. I am no risk taker unless it is in fashion. Quite honestly. Now, we may like to blame our schools, culture, religion, or whatever for our inability to look at things objectively or take certain decisions and risks but really what I believe we might need to blame instead are our vulnerability or the lack of it. I hate to feel vulnerable, hence, I never want to take a risk or leave my comfort zone and become vulnerable. This has obviously set me back a number of times. Looking at my lack of vulnerability objectively helps me push myself to actually take risks (In the future, pray for me guys).

I – Irresponsibility

This one my critical self believes I am the chairman of. When I left home to live by myself, I was very scared. I felt like I was too irresponsible with my finances, my time, my choices to be left to take on the world by myself. I spoke to my friend Daniel and he told me it was easy, each time I am faced with another decision where I think I am usually irresponsible, I just had to tell myself I am responsible and take the responsible route. Now, I can beat my chest and say I am 40% responsible which is a good place considering where I am coming from. Your lack of good behavior might just be you being irresponsible not your parents or the fact that they sheltered you for most of your life.

L – Laziness

The number one reason why I make statements such as every human being should learn how to cook but personally, I do not like to cook. Contradictory right? I can be quite lazy guys, nothing to be proud of there. But my self-awareness that this is something that can cost me my productivity helps me put myself in check.

Bottom line is You have to take responsibility for yourself and your behavior. You can’t be pinning your bad behavior on the DEVIL but if you’re obsessed with the word might as well pin it on the D.E.V.I.L within.

I would love you to pen down a few distractions that have made you lose track of what you’re supposed to be doing. In your own time, you can analyze the other four. I am getting better as a human. I hope you are too.

All my Love,

JAK

Hurry up.. and wait.

The pressure is unreal guys.

It is different for each one of us.

BUT

Just sitting and imagining that where you are is where you might always be if you do not stand up and start living can be quite overwhelming.

I watched a Netflix documentary about The Wisdom of Trauma a while back and I realized a lot of us are not even living. We just show up bodily and that is about it. 

I was actually thinking about a song by Jon Bellion titled Stupid Deep when my mind drifted to the thoughts in the line above.

That’s my reality for the most part. A spider web of thoughts. Thoughts that are often never-ending with more and more webs interlocking to form deeper connections I cannot find my way out of. I often feel lost.

Maybe I am the only one. I hope not.

I started this blog because I was tired of feeling like I was the only one out here feeling the way I was feeling. I wanted to write about me. Damn marketing tactics. I just wanted to find my tribe. A group of people so unsure about life and really trying to make the most of their situations.

I thought if I can’t find my people, might as well start the tribe and invite the others to join me. I wanted to be vulnerable here. HUMAN. I hope I can be.

Fight my demons and win my battles. I wanted to define myself but better still have you all define you too. I am not trying to be a hero to anyone. I just feel Lost guys. Not in the cliché way everyone wants to act lost. Just trying to make sense of my journey here. I really hope that moving forward I gain the clarity I seek.

I will be sharing a lot more. 

By the way, Aren't you super proud of your girl? I've been showing up every day and It's amazing what it's doing to my life generally. Thanks, guys.

I love you all a lot.

All my love,

JAK

I found out a while back that a bunch of lines is actually what forms a circle. When I say a bunch of lines I mean look at the circle from the perspective of small dotted lines coming together. I think I might be saying rubbish.

I don’t think I can explain as explicitly sha. I will just show you.

My point sha is there are small lines in our lives that makes our life go round.

To me those small lines are my friends and family. I cannot imagine doing a 30-day birthday post without saying a big thank you to you good fellows who make living on this planet in this part of the planet worth it.

THANK YOU GUYS.

I would love to mention names and all but I do not think that is necessary. You all know how much I appreciate your input in my life.

For those who bring great banter. Thank you

For those who inspire me to follow my dreams. Thank you

For those who ensure I do not go hungry. Thank you

For those who cry with me. Thank you

For those who hype me and make me feel like an awesome human. Thank you

For those who reprimand me and bring me to my senses. Thank you

For those who help me in the most extravagant ways. Thank you

For those carrying my matter on their heads. Thank you

For those who left so I could become a better man. Thank you

For those who buy what I’m selling just to encourage me. Thank you

For those who go out of their way to make sure I’m doing well. Thank you

For those who came into my life when I needed them most. Thank you

For those who are patient with my inconsistencies. Thank you

For those who challenge me to grow up and live a little. Thank you

For those who feed my mind and enlarge my intellectual capacity. Thank you

For those who have just stuck around. Thank you

For those who follow my blog. Thank you

For those who listen to me and make me feel heard. Thank you

For those who allow me talk and be silly. Thank you

For those who never left. Thank you

For the consistent believers in my journey. Thank you

For taking on multiple roles in my life. Thank you

To my business partners, mentors, influencers, therapists, diaries, support systems, providers, protectors, smiles, tears, enablers, firelighters … Thank you all

I cannot remember everything but to all those little dots that make the circle of my life go round. Thank you so much. This 22-year-old is very grateful.

To you all of The Jaktionary. Thank you so much.

All my Love,

JAK

 If you meet me personally, the most important things I hope you take home with you are:

FIRST, I AM COMPLETELY UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE GOD

 and

SECOND, I AM NOT PERFECT

The best thing to have ever happened to me was coming in contact with my relationship with God. The one and only true God. I often imagine what my Godless life would be like. Let me paint a small picture for you.

Just a few years ago, I was absolutely scared, judgmental and consistently worried about going to hell. That was exactly who I was. This is a true story by the way.

There is no need to ponder or justify, If I do say so myself then I know what I was doing.

I didn’t judge people and myself because I thought I was perfect;I did so because it was all I knew. I felt like if you didn’t meet the mark in my earthly eyes then how the hell would you meet God’s mark. I did the Devil’s work for him free of charge. Smh (Shaking my head)

I wondered why after trying my hardest best to be the best little girl, I had dreams of landing in hell at the end of the day. I was constantly scared. Just kept wondering if I would make it. The Nigerians around who  constantly reminded me that the people who would make heaven will not be up to ten did not help my ministry either.

I was a literal wreck. I was heading for doom. I did not like my life and I tried really hard. It was all useless to be honest. It is not really in our human nature to save ourselves. I realized I was not sufficient in the smallest and biggest way.  

I often imagine who I would have been If GOD did not come into relationship with me. Well, now I’ll never know but one thing is certain. I’d have been a wreck hating life and people and whatever.

Bottom line of my story is I don’t joke with God in my life. He is everything to me.

The past year was crazy.

I often got scared that I might not be okay (mentally and emotionally ill) and uncertain about what the next phase of my life might bring. I had no idea that almost 365 days later, I will be better, stronger, wiser, and altogether older than I had been.

It has been God all the way. I learned to love unconditionally the past year, just the way Christ loves me. With my flaws and all.

I know now that I am going to heaven and that comes with peace that surpasses all understanding. The best part now is not just that I am going to heaven. It is why I am glad to be going to heaven. I get to spend my eternity with my Savior. That in itself is inestimable.

Lastly, I have no fear of the future because I am certain of what my future holds. It holds God in it. He is my future hence; my future is certain.

I am just grateful for everything. The past year, my wins, my losses, my tears, my laughter, my family, my friends, my life, and all it consists of. 

This post is kind of personal for me because it just outlines how faithful God has been to me and how intentional he has been about my life. I do not take these blessings for granted at all.

Thank you Jehovah. 23 in a bit.

All my Love,

JAK.

This song is a hit and I love it. But more than that I like the way I am feeling now.

I have been on this writing challenge thing for about 6 days now and I must say, I am very proud of myself and how consistent I have been. My favorite part of the challenge has been trying to come up with concrete lessons and topical structures to post but each day, when I open my laptop and try to write an already planned topic, once I try to start writing the post I just stop and start writing about how I am feeling.

I love it.

So yeah guys, I am writing about the way I am feeling now.

This minute I am listening to my all-time favorite, Meghan Trainor. She is singing “I won’t let you down” and she’s on the part that says “So from this day on, I won’t let you down”.

I agree

I won’t let you down JAK. While reading a book titled A Guide to Starting and Quitting by Blessing Abeng a few days ago, in an interview with best-selling author Seth Godin, he brought some perspective and insight to consistency, one of my biggest challenges in life.

He made a good point where he said consistency is all about making a promise. In most cases, it is a promise to yourself to show up. If you are anything like me, then you definitely won’t want to let you or others down and so will do anything to keep a promise you made. This has changed everything for me guys.

I am going to keep my promise to myself to show up every day regardless. In this case, regardless of how I am feeling now or then.

Well guys, I hope you have a good day, you’re having a good day or you had a good day depending on what part of your day you are reading this.

That’s it from me today guys. Nothing deep or extremely insightful. Just a log of how I am feeling now. I am feeling quite consistent and I promise to stay that way.

I will leave you with my Meghan Trainor favorites. If you wanna, you can definitely check them out.

1. Like I'm gonna lose you ft. John Legend

2. No

3. Woman Up

4. Evil Twin

5. I Won't Let You Down

6. Me Too

7. I love Me

8. Hopeless Romantic

9. Champagne Problems

10. Ashes

Listen and give me your feedback sha.

All my Love,

JAK

I came into myself for lack of a better term to express what happened and with growth always comes lessons. If there is one person who takes lessons seriously, it is I.

Today was a bitter sweet day. I had a roller coaster of emotions, seems to be the order these days. God forbid. I was really happy at one point, really sad at another, scared at one and hopeful at the end.

One take away for me from the day however was the conversation I had with my roommate, Thelma. She had come to a realization I termed "Come and Go".

A phenomenon where we didn’t come to life with anything and we would go out of life in the same way - without anything. She spoke about a lot of things actually but her emphasis was mostly on the fact that we need to have a cherish and let go attitude to life.

 I will share a small true story that I hope buttresses my point. 

The first time I liked a boy, it was massive. I couldn’t believe that JAK, a whole me could like someone. It was an unreal feeling. For the first few weeks, we texted a lot and longed to be with each other terribly. We were running a long distance crush relationship so that made me even fonder. I just wanted to spend physical time with him.

Sometime weeks later, we finally got our chance. He came to see me and it was at this point that things began to go South. He began to run late to our appointments and started making comments that did not resonate with me. I began to have doubts and began to feel like “Can I truly deal with all this in the long run?”

Long story short, we began to drift apart and I felt like crap. I wanted what we had at the beginning and I was crazy worried about the future. What would I do if I never find someone as special? What if he is the one? Can I let him go? And any other questions you all mushy folk ponder.

I was not ready to let it go. At some point I made up my mind I was better without him but the moment I think about not having that attention and affection I would retire to incessant crying and lack of appetitie. I would say it was a tough period.

In the end, we went our separate ways and I am better for it. Now I am a Nigerian robot who gives you relationship tips and I am waiting for the one.

Instead of worrying so much and asking uncountable questions, I should have cherished the amazing times we had together more and after the jolly good days when it was time for him to leave, let him go after crying and going through that motion.

My point however is that cherishing something and having to let it go can never be easy but realizing that in life, you don’t come here with anything, hence every positive and pleasurable experience should be enjoyed to the fullest, especially because tomorrow it can be gone.

On the flip side, every bad experience you face will not kill you. In the end it will go away. It will leave a big visible scar that you might remember over the good times but at the same time, Life na Come and Go.

Enjoy every experience to the fullest. Draw lessons. Let go a little gentler. It won’t be easy I am sure but as you get older you will see that this in fact is true.

I am surely smiling into 23 and happy birthday to my Sweetheart of a friend Somto. I love you Pal.

All my Love,

JAK

Thanks so much guys. The love on my last three posts has been massive. I am very grateful for all the support.

22 was such a blur.

I can’t actually believe that in a few days it will be over. 

Getting closer to 30, you begin to feel incredible pressure and have many doubts about if you will make it or not. The hustle is real some will say.

 The worst part of 22 for me was the fact that I started visiting LinkedIn regularly - I like to refer to her as a bitch sometimes (pardon my vulgarity) but scrolling through the timeline on the platform is crazy traumatic. 

For me, Instagram is not particularly great for your mental health if you spend too much time on there but on LinkedIn just doing one minute can almost give you serious "I need to know what I am doing with my life" moments.

It is crazy I must say.

I had to reaffirm to myself that I am not in competition and even if I am the competition is between me and myself mehn. Believe it or not, regardless of how self-aware and content you are, little things can still make you feel super low and invisible.

These sentiments drove me back and made me search deep.

And so I said to myself “I am not looking at anyone else, I am looking at JAK at 21 and I am very proud of the accomplishments JAK at 22 has achieved”.

Thus for gratitude purposes, I listed out a few things I have achieved at 22. They’ll shock you sha. I went BIG.

1.   1.  I moved out of my Uncle’s house to live by myself. It’s hard guys not gonna lie.

2.   2.  I read at least 20 books since the beginning of the year.

3.   3.  I completed an online course under two weeks. First time in my life considering the fact that it took me one year to finish the last one.

4.   4. I learnt how to budget and stick to the budget.

5.   5.  I learnt how to ride a bicycle. I’m still on the lessons though. At least I am trying sha.

There are many more things, things I will share at the right time.  My point is that your growth is the most important achievement that you can attain. When I say growth, I mean the fact that you are showing up and trying your best. 

Greater jobs, more money and fancier luxury might seem like the ideal yardstick for measuring growth and achievement but these small and seemingly insignificant wins are also a big growth indicator if you ask me.

I am excited for 23. I can already see greater growth brewing.

This post is not complete without you measuring some things you have achieved in the last year. Small and seemingly irrelevant changes that when you put them together amount to a lot of achievements. If you are comfortable enough, you can drop some of them in the comment section too.

I believe I am about to have a jolly ride with you good fellows so please stay tuned and make sure to follow my journey. I will be dropping gems.

All my Love,

JAK. 

I woke up this morning

A feeling I had not sensed in a long time

A chill that ran through my spine

It was the feeling of waking up satisfied

My sleep was a fairytale

My dream was music to my ears

I had had a magical night

I woke up this morning

I faced reality yet again

I punched the demon of anger

I Set free my tormented emotions

“Cry if you want to cry I yelled”

The stubbornness within her yelled back

“Í won’t”

I woke up this morning

I had been deceived

I felt like the emotion you wake up with

That same emotion would carry your day

I’m bruised

Why then do you ask

“Did she wake up on the wrong side of the bed”

I wanted to write a fantabulous post. Something deep probably but words failed me. That is a lie actually. I just wrote a piece. A piece about how the early hours of my morning were. It was a hard day, I won’t lie. One I did not think will end on such a chilled note.

That’s the craziness that is this life actually. One minute, it is smiles and love, the next it is fights and drought. I have experienced my fair share of ups and downs in my glorious 22 years this side of the universe.

It is because of this confidence of uncertainty that I opine that on those days when it is really hard, look up and look at the days when it will be really nice.

Life does not happen in a straight line, more of a wavy line but regardless, after the hard day comes, a better day follows.

I am really looking forward to 23. Can you tell?

All my Love,

JAK

I said in the last post that I wanted to write a post a day until my birthday. Crazily actually, the very next day, I couldn’t keep up and I did not write the post. Usually, I will just tell myself “This is your biggest issue. You are very inconsistent” but not today sha.

I believe that to a good extent, this has been my biggest fail. I have looked down on myself to the point where I have now become the things I earnestly dreaded.

I read a book by Austin Kleon "Steal like an Artist", One of the best books for creatives actually. In a particular chapter in the book, he spoke about how there is clarity in movement.

It made perfect sense to me especially because just about a week ago, while having a conversation with my friend, he spoke about how he had problems executing ideas and not being consistent. I concurred because I presume I face the same challenges. He however added that someone had told him he is not inconsistent because he wakes up every day, has a bath, brushes his teeth and, wears clean clothes.

This might seem rather irrelevant but if you think you are inconsistent, I believe that the one thing that will truly set you free is looking inward and realizing that you can be consistent in the small things, hence you can be consistent in the majors too.

How does this concern Johnny Walkers Slogan, Keep Walking you might ask?

It concerns it because for me, my biggest let down is my thinking that I am inconsistent, whereas I am here writing the second post in this challenge. I can only prove to myself that I can be consistent because with this post I have kept moving.

I don’t know what it is that seems very big and unsurmountable to you, but bottom line is that if you keep moving, just one small step at a time, before you know it you’ll be on the other end of the #CrateChallenge.

This is a charge to me as much as it is to you. Just Keep Walking, there is indeed change and better things on the other side of your journey.

All my Love,

JAK. 

Today, August 21, 2021, makes it exactly a month to my 23^rd birthday.

I had big expectations.

Big expectations of what I believe my 22^nd year would go like.

The problem however, is that with big expectations comes big responsibilities and big disappointments. (Ask Nigerian women about their men, they’ll tell you… Okay I’m joking)

Quite frankly though, having big expectations can shoot you in the leg but regardless we move. Enough of four syllable big word Ex-Pec-Ta-Tion. I will spare you all the details about what this big picture for my 22^nd was unless you want to know and then you can reach me personally here. I am always up for good gist.  

Now, 11 months later I am faced with a dilemma, mope and sulk about the things I could not achieve or move forward and pat myself on the back because I am strong and I can still do better within the next 29 days.

I am clueless on what approach to take because let’s be honest, you are not always happy with yourself and as such, sulking makes you feel slightly better but at the same time, you’re trying so maybe you should give yourself a pat on the back.

I don’t know anyway.

However, I intend to drop a post once daily for the next couple of weeks till my birthday. Tell you what I’ve learnt, where I have failed, where I have succeeded and what I have planned in time to come.

The first in the line of posts is this letter to myself in the future. Here goes.

Dear Jak,

Hi, How are you? I hope you have had a rather pleasant day. I hope you got gifts and ate good food today at least. I know you might not do either but nonetheless, I really hope it’s a good day. I have watched you grow and blossom, struggle and doubt but at the same time I’ve watched you stop and stay still.

I just want to say I love you and I am always rooting for you. I know you have had a rough year, bitter sweet actually, but I want you to keep your head up and keep dreaming. Don’t stop at dreaming though, start moving too.

A wise friend of yours always says there is clarity in movement. That is good advice, take it. I am very proud of the woman you are becoming and I am happy that I am part of the story. You are very precious to me and so one thing above every other thing I want for you is to see you win.

I am quite aware that you will make it and I can’t wait for the next letter to be about celebrating your wins and sharing your failure stories because at the very least, you are giving it a try. For some weird reason, I am struggling to communicate effectively with you. I guess that is typical with humans sha. We can gas up anybody else but when it comes to ourselves we just go the negative route.

Bottom line sha, literally, I love you and Happy Birthday Jak. Have a wonderful 23^rd.

All my Love,

JAK at 22 and 11 months